Homemade Cheez-Its!

I will readily admit that the book of face, for the most part, is a waste of time. I will even venture to guess that at least 80% of all time spent Facebook-ing has the productivity equivalent to that of time spent burning money, time spent watching sand in an hour glass, or time spent watching Fox "News." Another 19.5% can be attributed to the very productive task of stalking former high school/college/grad school classmates. And finally, roughly 0.5% can be attributed to discovering awe-inspiring, life-changing things.

This post is about one of the things that falls in that last category: Homemade Cheez-Its.

Cheez-Its are amazing. Cheez-Its are heaven sent. Cheez-Its are salty. And crackery. And cheesy for Pete's sake! Cheez-Its are, indisputably, the best snack food ever created by any human being life force in the entire history of the universe. I don't care if you tell me that something is better. You are wrong. Dead wrong. Cheez-Its are the best.

You know what isn't the best? Cheese Nips. You know what is the worst? Cheese Nips. I hesitate to even mention Cheese Nips on the same internet as Cheez-Its, but I feel that I must to make sure that all reading this know that Cheese Nips are the devil's food. They are disgusting. Whoever invented Cheese Nips should be tried before the International Criminal Court in the Hague for crimes against humanity. I would gladly prosecute that case. And I would WIN.

But for now, let us remember that Cheez-Its do indeed exist. And so we shall bask in their glory and forget the evil, wicked ways of lesser snacks.

Unfortunately, I do not recall who of my Facebook friends posted the article about these homemade nuggets of gloriousity, and for that I am sad. I am sad because I would like to thank you for your post. When it appeared on my news feed, I was overwhelmed with joy and moved to tears. But whoever you are, thank you. From the deepest, most bottomest trenches of my heart, thank you. And now, without further ado, here is the recipe, altered only slightly by yours truly from the recipe posted on Chicagoist.

You shall make it. And you shall eat it. And you shall be glad. So sayeth the big cheese. Amen.

Homemade Cheez-Its

Ingredients

• 10 oz cheddar cheese - preferably of the orange variety. (You could also sub in any other variety of delicious cheese with a similar texture. I for one can't wait to make these again with my favorite aged Gouda.)
• 1 1/4 cups flour
• 5 Tbsp. cold butter, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
• 3/4 tsp. kosher salt + extra for sprinkling
• 1/4 tsp. paprika
• 1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper
• Cold water

Directions

Shred the cheddar cheese using the fun wheel attachment on your food processor. Or be lame, and shred it by hand. Or be lamer, and buy it pre-shredded. Add the flour, cold butter, salt, paprika, and cayenne pepper to the food processor. Pulse until thoroughly mixed and crumbly.

Slowly add cold water 1-2 tablespoons at a time until the mixture has the consistency of a very thick dough. Gather into a ball, cover in plastic wrap, and put it in the fridge for about 20-30 minutes.

Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and pre-heat your oven to 350º.

After chilling, unwrap the dough and place between two sheets of parchment paper. Roll out the dough with a rolling pin until it is about 1/8 inch thick. Remove the top sheet of parchment paper and cut the rolled-out dough into squares using a pizza cutter or, if you want to be fancy, a serrated knife.

Place the cut dough onto the baking sheet, leaving a little room between each cracker. Sprinkle with salt (optional).

Bake for roughly 25 minutes, being sure to check on the crackers every so often towards the end as they can go from perfectly cooked to burnt very easily. I had to remove some of the smaller ones from the sheet before others.

If you have the patience, allow them to cool, and enjoy!